Today we sent our grandpa off after the 3 days of wake. It was his burial today at the Christian Cemetery. I don't know what else to say. As i'm typing this now, my tears are just dropping uncontrollably. I really (x infinity) miss my grandpa, i miss his contagious smile, i miss everything about him. As i reached home today, I look at the bed he used to sleep whenever he stays over at our house on Sat for Sun service, and then I looked at the sofa he used to sit watching tv laughing along with us although he didn't really understand what the show was about, I miss the table we used to sit together and drink Mom's soup, I miss the piano chair he used to sit every Sun morning waiting for us to get ready and go to take the lift together. I miss my Grandpa alot alot alot more than i've ever missed anyone on earth before.
Okay, I need to clarify smth in case you guys don't understand. My grandpa attends 2 churches, one Hokkien Service from one church(Zion Full Gospel Church) on Sat and our church on Sun. the whole wake service was conducted by Zion Full Gospel Church. All the sermons, worship leading, translations etc were done by them since my mum is also a member of the deceased so we couldn't conduct the wake service. However, my mum along with my uncles did give testimonies regarding my grandpa.
Yesterday was the 2nd night of the wake service and my mum gave testimony about my grandpa again. My grandpa is indeed an evangelist. My mum said the first night after the wake service one old granny came to tell my mum about some things regarding my Grandpa. During the month of Sep, our church had many events, so we termed it as the Earth-Shaking Sep. To publicise our events, our church actually printed loads of tracts for us to give out to non-believers to welcome them to the events. During Sep, my grandpa was already very very weak. Though not yet wheelchair bound, but he was undergoing his frequent chemotherapy. To our shock, that old granny told my mum that there was once my grandpa went to her house alone to distribute the tracts and evangelise despite him being physically unwell! I was really touched. He is already so old, with illness, and yet still makes the effort to go to that granny's place to ask and invite her personally to come to our church. In the end, the granny still didn't come. But i can imagine. My grandpa feeling sick and unwell, holding tracts and distributing them and inviting these people repeatedly to come though they did not show any interest. Such an undying spirit from an old sick man. My grandpa is really great! Grandpa, your reward in heaven is huge! And then my grandpa also brought another adult to church some time ago. This guy had sores all over his body and doctor only declared him another 3-6 months to live and his granny was so worried that she wanted to bring him to Hainan Island to worship the ancestors there. But my Grandpa told her to bring that guy to our church. When he came and when he was being prayed for, he was HEALED TOTALLY. Of course praise God for it, but my grandpa is wonderful don't you think. My grandpa is the most amazing Grandpa i have. Man of few words, but his actions and how he lives as a brilliant Christian is such an encouragement to others. When my mum gave these testimonies (along with many many many other things he did), many of us cried. Even his Pastor also cried. These few nights at the wake, many teared for my Grandpa. The worship team, the Pastor and speaker, the translator (all from Zion Full Gospel), our church members, and so many others. It is inevitable that when someone dies, his family members cry. But it's when people who are totally unrelated to him cry and i mean really CRY, you know how wonderful my Grandpa is. I love you so much Grandpa! And i miss you alot. Really. And then now my tears drop again.
I have to say something here. Do you know my grandpa attends church on Sat and Sun? Normally people attend on Sun and period, some christians even feel that attending church is a chore! But my grandpa attend a Hokkien Service at Zion Full Gospel church on Sat, and our church Sembawang AG on Sun. Do you guys know something. Even when he was alr wheelchair bound and so weak, he insisted STRONGLY that he must come on Sun for sun service too even after he went for the Sat one. My mum and others said no initially and wanted him to rest at home. But he said- If you guys don't fetch me, i'll take a bus there on my own. So it left all of us with no other choice except to fetch him to church despite us wanting him to have ample rest because he's alr so weak with frequent hospital trips for chemo and after taking meds. But he insisted strongly that he must come to church both on Sat and Sun too. And this did not just happen recently. This started from year 2004. 6 YEARS OF FAITHFULNESS! Grandpa i really have to say again, you're great, you're amazing you're the best!
Also, when he was sick, he still went to one of my uncle's (uncle william) food stall at Toa Payoh Hawker Centre to help out even when he was sick! I remember on every Sat, he will surely pack nice food for us when he comes to our house to stayover for the night to go to church tgt on Sun and make sure my bro and I eat so we don't get hungry.
When he was being lowered down to be buried, i thought my heart skipped a beat. I know this would be the last time i'm seeing him until we meet in heaven again. When i saw the pastor (Pas Alfred Yeo) made his last salute to my grandpa(this pastor always salute to my grandpa whenever he meets him in church on saturday cos my grandpa would be so kind to always say hi to him), he almost teared. A pastor you know, tear for an old man, I can imagine what an encouragement my grandpa is to the pastor's ministry and that my grandpa meant alot to him too. During the both the wake services, there were more than 150 people attending (mom says more than 200) each night. Yes, that much. Because my grandpa has been such an angel to the people around him. People loves him, and remembers him. Grandpa you are a gift from heaven, a gift God has given to us.
My grandpa's death will be a testing period to see if our 9 families will still be as close knitted as before. Because my grandpa was sort of like the pillar, pulling everyone close together. But i'm afraid I have to doubt that we will pass through this challenge. My grandpa's death brought major upheaval to all of us. I saw conflicts(due to religious purposes), depression, quarrels.... Tears were everywhere. Speaking about religion, my grandpa is a devoted Christian, so of course the whole ceremony of his wake is carried out in the Christian way and manner. But some of our family members are not christians(2 families actually) and it really saddened me to see how this 1 particular family treat christians(like kicking the chairs to my church members when they ask for more chairs). Even if you guys are persecutors of us christians, but c'mon, at least show some respect to grandpa yes. And to this particular cousin, I want to tell you this- If you deny Jesus in front of everybody, next time when Judgement Day comes, Jesus will too, deny you in front of the Father. Please bear this in mind.
I saw my uncle breakdown at the coffin today before my grandpa was to be drove away in the casket. When he cried, I cried, We cried. those who were strong, couldn't help but collaspe too. My uncle is a strong man i feel and wouldn't tear easily. He said loudly, "Pa, there were only 2 times i cried. First is when Ma passed away, and now you. Pa you know whenever i accompany you to the hospital you had jabs and chemo, although you always smiled and say it's not painful and it didn't hurt but i know it hurts! I felt the pain in my heart... (and he said much more). When my uncle broke, we broke as well. Feelings of sadness overwhelmed us all. My uncle was the eldest son (not the eldest, just the eldest son, my mum was the eldest among all) and when he cried and appeared so vulnerable, others couldn't help it as well. (When my uncle cried, I promised i've never seen a man cry this way in my entire life before. He appeared so fragile and weak and ...) The true feelings of guilt, regret and all couldn't be explained. Even I, wished i could have spent more time with my grandpa when he was alive. Now, it's just empty talk, none of such things will ever happen again. I can even say i'll pluck down the moon for my grandpa, but what for, he's gone and all that fills us now is regret, regret that we didn't spend enough time with him. Sorry grandpa, please forgive us.
Thank you again to all who attended the wake ytd and the burial today. Appreciate it alot really. Thanks youths, namely shurong becs li en mandy shuting ger xf yx jm. i'm sorry if i missed anyone out. Thank you so so so much, your presence meant alot to me. I think you guys being physically there meant so much, showed me that you cared, that you took time off to come despite your busy schedules. Thanks. Everyone can send me texts, but because you guys actually came down to support, attend the service and sat through it, I appreciate you guys ten thousand times more. Thank you. Thank you really.
Thanks to Maoreen Lee Si Hui also. Thanks for encouraging me and comforting me. Last friday after Math Paper 2, when i visited my grandpa, when i saw how fragile he was, i couldn't take it and broke. then the only person who came to my mind to text was Mao. I don't know why but her texts and her replies always seem to be able to calm me down and comfort me. Just hers. Other friends' ones nope not really. And as usual her smses calmed me down alot. Idk why in this aspect i sort of could relate more to her. I am serious, when i needed advice/comfort, her name flashed across my mind instantly. Even the day before my geog paper, on 8th, I was so scared i actually cried cause i still had ALOT to study, so i immd texted her too. Her replies work wonders to me, i think her advices sort of helped me, and kept me going. Even during the whole period when my grandpa was sick, her smses keep me strong so i won't crumble at the period when my grandpa needs us the most. Thanks k Mao, appreciate you alot! (:
Thanks to other friends who texted me/called and all. I cannot lie to you guys saying that i'm fine. I'm really not. I don't know if i can be strong enough to study my Bio and Chem. I just feel like sleeping and not thinking about anything. I miss my grandpa, that's an undeniable fact and I don't know when that feeling will subside but it won't be so soon. I will try to smile when i see you all, but i know that smile is just ... But still thanks for all the effort, i will try to be strong, though i am really not now, i think i am most breakable now at this stage.
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i think i need to go sleep soon i'm really tired and lethargic, i never really had proper rest these few days but the thought of my bio and chem weighing at the back of my head pushes my stress level up to the maximum. I don't know but i know i am not in the mood to study anything. I will try, but i don't know if i can. I miss my grandpa so much. And when i think of him, i can't help but cry, so weak i know. But again, I was never really a strong girl to begin with.
Grandpa, do you know you are really an impactful person in my life though we rarely speak to one another. But the little things you do are enough for me to remember you always. I remembered how worried you are when I have not eaten every saturday night. You would keep asking me to eat until you made sure i ate what you brought back for us from Uncle William's stall. You're that concerned for us. Wierd thing is, I never seem to read very much into these little gestures in the past. It was when you left, that such moments of care and concern and love from you start reappearing in my visions and filling the empty space you left behind when you were gone. These memories you've left behind became more vivid and more true, and what you did for us started to became clearer and clearer. Do you know how much it hurts when you left us? Do you know how much i miss your smile and your presence? Do you? Miss you Grandpa (x infinity), really. I used Infinity because no words can express, nor no volume can actually contain the kind of misses we have for you.
Luv, S.
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